Saturday, July 26, 2008

Where the hell was Jesus going, anyway???

Where was Jesus going, anyways? If we are to accept the Gospel accounts, at least few of them have Jesus flying off into the skies after the Resurrection. Of course, John has him wandering around for a few more years getting into more whacky adventures. And according to the Mormons, upon busting out of the grave, he swam across the Atlantic to save the Indians who were really just Jews who had been cursed by God with red skin.
(BTW, as it turns out that swim is how Jesus got his ripped lean swimmers body – he was actually pretty chunky when he lived in J-Town.)

Anyway let’s focus on one stretching of reality at a time. And today it is the Ascension.
See, when I actually believed in this place Heaven, I figured it was more of a spiritual realm. A place where our souls gather, congregate, relax and socialize. What our soul is, I have no idea actually. I think it’s like a mostly transparent version of our physical body and it can float. But here’s the rub; when Jesus took his celestial exit, he was still in physical form. He walked to Galilee (or Jerusalem depending on whose tellin’ the tale), Apostles were poking him in the sides, he even had one more quicky with Mary Magdalene. This means he was going to a physical location. Hmmm. Ok, before we investigate this, let’s think first about how he got to wherever he was going.

Jesus went up. Straight up. And not just a little bit. He kept going up and up. But how?
In this universe we have this thing called gravity. Here on Earth, g is equal 9.8 m/s2. How did Jesus get the energy needed to overcome gravity. I don’t remember the Gospels describing Jesus as sprouting wings or inventing the jet pack, he just up 'n floated away. So he seems to be using some kind of other energy source or tapping into another unknown force in the universe. But what was it??? I don’t know, but I’m just dying of curiosity!

Let’s go back to that gravity thing for a moment. Now, even a 500 pound man can overcome gravity for moment by jumping. But Jesus didn’t just have to overcome it for a moment. Considering he left from the greater Jerusalem metropolitan area he would have had to travel approximately 8 miles upwards just to get out of the Troposphere. But I’m pretty sure modern science has shown (don’t quote me on this) that Heaven is not in the Earth’s atmosphere. So, it’s pretty safe to rule out Jesus jumping into the Ascension. I don’t care how ripped his quads were. No way he had enough ups. Why?

Well, we are agreement that Heaven is not in Earths atmosphere, right? Right. Then it must be somewhere in outer space. In order to reach outer space Jesus had to again consider Earth’s gravity and figure out how to achieve 25,000 miles per hour – the speed needed to escape Earth’s gravity. Not only that; if it indeed turns out that Heaven is not even in our solar system, and again I believe modern science has confirmed it’s not (please don’t quote me on this – I don’t want to end up with egg on my face), then Jesus needed to reach 94,000 miles per hour. To escape to gravitational pull of the sun!

As crazy as it sounds, he did it. We know he did it. The Bible says so. But how??? The curiosity is killing me! We know he didn’t use wings, a jet pack or jump. I was thinking maybe God just inhaled real deep and sucked Jesus up, but then the whole galaxy would have probably collapsed on itself. So, I propose there is some yet unknown force, I call the Salvation Force. The salvation force is much like the Strong Nuclear Force which binds like charged particles in the nucleus of an atom. Like the strong nuclear force the salvation force is stronger than gravity, only it works over light-year distances. Ken Ham agrees with me. That means I'm right.

Back to the original question…where was Jesus going? We know he’s not on the moon – we checked! And there’s no evidence of him on the inner planets. There’s no way he could survive on the Gas Giants (maybe Jupiter’s moon Titan if he can drink methane) and Pluto’s too cold. Besides, how would he get past the Oort Cloud?

I’m afraid this is going to be a big let down, but I just do not know where Jesus is. I suppose Heaven could be in some other part of the Milky Way – maybe near the nuggety middle. But that just seems so arbitrary. I can only speculate that Jesus was likely heading for the boundary of the universe. If this is indeed the case, well, he better hope space isn’t positively curved or else he just gonna end up back in Jerusalem.

In conclusion, the best answer I can give is this: being as it’s only been 2000 years since his death, even if he achieved 99.9% light-speed, he would still be streaking through some part of the Milky Way galaxy. And even when he gets outside our galactic cluster he still needs to worry about space expansion. So, we still have a chance to find ‘em! Also consider that mass increases when approaching light speed…he must be HUGE by now! Why, I bet on clear night, with a decent telescope….but wait, hold on, how the hell would he breath in space????


KiwiInOz said...

At least Mohammad had horse power to propel him off into space!

Much more believable.

NaFa said...

maybe Jesus should convert to Islam ;)

Kaitlyn said...

This is brilliant.

NaFa said...

Thanks Kaitlyn! I have my moments, as few & far between they may be...;)